Monday, March 23, 2009


I had vowed to stay away from chaos, chaos makers and to not be one myself. 

But there was something
so touching and familiar in his eyes

a combination I had seen and loved before

- intelligence and melancholy with a touch of desperation. 

A highly erotic mix.

Even with all the warnings, especially how his long-time friends expressed shock that he had got himself a woman,

I slunk toward him - gravitating to his seesaw of gentle and brutal acts.

with each slink forward though, a part of me became smaller and frightened 
and dying to retreat to not die

He looked at me in quiet moments with love


and a tinge of the implicit violence of wanting to own something 
- like a stranger down a dark street who hopes to pin you to a wall somewhere unseen

he did - well, at least he tried

in our apartment

away from everyone's eyes

he adored me 
and my writing 
and my naked body
and he held me so tight 
that in the middle of the night, I had to pry his arm 
off my waist in order to breathe

one day, i saw an image

a startling scene early in the morning

a well-dressed elegant couple crossing a street

- obviously in pursuit of this woman

had a clenched fist
and   rage raged around his eyes and mouth

a couple of moments passed before i recognized 
that it was us


us crossing the street
our reflection in a store window

i was disengaging from this engagement 
with madness 
it, the madness of ownership of 
wanting to have what someone won't give

shifted from a simmering ember
to a flame too close to things I valued 

in the middle of that street, on that day, in his transfixed stare

there was evil

the façade built of snippets 

of memorized poems

allusions to great works of art

oh, and the loving gaze too were torn away

what was left standing

was an eyesore

that made me 
see my part. 
i loved drama 
as hideous as that sounds

so, i chose to leave this love.

a man who i did love

i put the lid back on the Inland Taipan

knowing i could never tame or cure its propensity to wound

and my love of drama

rages on!

merely in words

in scenarios on paper 

i retired from scenes 

so disconcerting 

that they undo 


as i choose to be

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