I knew to step away before there was nothing left of me. The work can be frustrating and cruel at times and for an ambitious person, such as myself, who wants everyone to see the grace of God in all things and to play leap frog from epiphany to epiphany, it could be downright painful.
I put a lot of effort into research, lesson plans, positive manipulation and blending compassion with firm rules. There was respect even when my adult students felt too pressured to take care of themselves and the children they chose to bring into this world in their lopsided way.
It took a while for me to detach. I wandered around Manhattan like a tourist, soaking in the sun at my favorite spots at which the buildings block the wind and make you forget it's winter.
I had a tremendous amount of energy to look at my own self, my own goals and it felt rich, selfish and necessary.
I am still feeling that richness.
I know now to take a rest before my head begins to feel as if wrapped by metal claws.
I sorted through hundreds of pages of writing, had a successful reading of my fairytale novel and have a strict writing schedule.
I read many biographies and autobiographies as a child and found a common strain in all of them: for each artist, there was a moment at which he or she felt as if on a track, guided toward something and toward certain people that would facilitate their process of creation.
The instincts lost all subtlety and became more of a push to get on stage; the stage being a world in which I would be appreciated, not envied or criticitized or misunderstood.
I am there now - on that track.
The people, circumstances and pettiness around me begin to fade into the background.
I will never again fall into the trap of turning people into projects or of making love a priority.
I will safeguard what I have been given and it is not a condemnation of others if I am silent when they speak of things that have ceased to matter to me. I give myself permission to not care about everything.
We change and evolve in different areas at different times, don't we?
That makes life exciting and there is also confusion in it.
This need to think, read, write is much greater than I remembered. Without it, life seems so watered down with every sensation becoming flat.
My country is this world of thought and words and ideas; if you say I'm a gypsy because my physical address changes often, it is only because you do not know about my real home.